Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
