OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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