the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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