1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
