she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
