rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
she pinky promised me she was 18
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
