FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
