so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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