I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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