pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
