he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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