trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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