im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
