new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
