i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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