So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
