so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
