Only a mothe r could love this liver
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize
