my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
