god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
