i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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