Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
