He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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