i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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