Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
