so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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