At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Randomize
