I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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