My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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