im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
