first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
