who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
