Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
