It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
