Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
