Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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