I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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