I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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