He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
