Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
It was a blind-side dick pic.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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