you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
