Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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