She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
