Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Hippo gnu deer
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
