My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
