if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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