im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
a search helicopter?!
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
