So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
