Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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