Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
