You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
