i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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