He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
