you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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