I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Randomize
